Grief…
It may be a sad to may of you, but…
It is important.
What do I grieve for? …aside from the things that you might expect a 20 or 30 something might have on their plate. You know, school trauma, constant taunting, the impending permanence of not having my whole life in front of me, abandoning my dad, knowing that I forgot to tell him that I loved him, when he last spoke to me… or the regret that I felt like I would not survive my dad’s decline into alcoholism if I didn’t pull away… a whole year before he died…that hurt really bad. Feeling the years of lost time slipping away through your fingers… now that I know… …all the things I could have done with that time…
But, I am dealing with it, I can’t change it, and I am learning to recognize that I may have saved myself… and maybe I gave up on many things, but I am still here.
So, knowing all of that, what needs to be aired, what is it that I still have left to grieve?
The whole, typical, normal damn person I could have been. That boring average person everyone thinks they hate about themselves… I long for it… I grieve for the fact that I have to convince myself that I deserve to seek out what I want, that I deserve friends, that I deserve to…
…to live my life.
Last summer one of my teachers, someone who I have come to respect and confide in, spoke in class about a woman who wrote about grief, about parents of children who have disabilities. He said, “What do these parents grieve for?'”
My heart… it ached… it broke, and I rose my hand and said, “The healthy baby they expected to have.”
1 comment:
Concise and excellent explanation of what it feels like to be us
I would have two--three years of feeling normal and live the life I was supposed to and then it would fall apart--usually my fears would take over. And now I wake up panicking thinking of who I almost am, so I totally understand
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